Running the last leg of my morning route, up a grueling hill just a few hundred yards away from our house, I found myself slowing down to a very slow walk.. I couldn't keep the pace going, I was weak. Its funny, but some days I have so much energy and feel like I could run a 10k no problem, but this day was different, it was not one of "those" splendid kind of days. It was the kind of day that left me feeling like a wind up toy that had completely unwound, and it was only 9 am for gosh sakes!!!
As I was plodding up the rest of the hill, I almost stepped on what was left of a worm, half of it had been squished, the rest of its body was squirming in what I can only imagine to be, great pain. Well folks, I consider myself to be a pretty grounded individual, but I'll tell you, I began to sob for that poor worm, and I sobbed the rest of the way home.. Caelin arrived shortly after to find me sobbing on the front porch still dripping with sweat from the run... He immediately assumed I wasn't feeling well, and asked if I'd over done it on the run (it has been known to happen!) I managed to babble out the bit about the worm, I remember looking sideways at him to see if he thought I'd completely lost my marbles, but he didn't, he looked on patiently, listening. I felt for the worm I cried because that's how I felt with all of the political messes that are going on in the world, I felt like my nice, comfortable life might be taken away, we might have a massive earthquake, I might lose people I love, countries are going bankrupt,, etc.. (Yes, before you ask, I watch/listen to a lot of news programs.) " I feel powerless like the worm, and it scares me!" I bleated.
This is the part where I fall in love with the man I live with all over again. He came up to me and gave me a big hug, then looked me in the eye, and gave me some wonderful advice. He said, this is life, we live in an eat or be eaten kind of world. He gave me food for thought by saying life isn't all light and good, there's always a dark side, we have to embrace both aspects of life, the light and the dark. Now most folks don't know Caelin very well, (he's a bit of an introvert), but he's done a great deal of self reflecting over the years, and has a wealth of wisdom and experience in dealing with the spirit and soul work. He suggested I go and take some time to meditate and embrace the "darkness that was getting to me." (I felt like running away instead.) But, I sat down and let my sobbing continue until I was spent, then focused on my breath. I'm a bit of a novice at meditating and being quiet for any real length of time, but after a while, I got there, and I became the observer.
I saw a large dark amorphous object, it seemed to be alive and breathing, I can only describe what I felt as a series of sickeningly real, fearful thoughts that crossed my mind as I watched the darkness,,, fear of being alone, fear of being sick and no one to take care of me, fear of not being a good enough parent,, on and on it went.. then quiet... And I remembered Caelin telling me, there is no such thing as total darkness, look inside and you'll find light at the core.. I looked and travelled through the dark and found a naked vulnerable child curled up very afraid... and I was that child, and I felt all the fear she felt, and wanted so badly to be taken care of.. Then I heard my own voice speak as if I were speaking to a small child who was afraid, "its alright, I'm here I said, everything is going to be alright, all will be well." And I saw a Madonna holding that child, and I was that Madonna, I was nurturing, and loving and protecting the child, and I knew in my heart that I/ we all possess the Madonna aspect, and the aspect of the child that needs to be taken care of and loved.
After this epiphany , I can now recognize both of these aspects in my heart and for the first time in my life, I have compassion for the needy child part of me, and understood why for the longest time (since both my parents died in 1999), I have felt so very drawn to images of the Madonna and the love and strength she embodies, as do we all.
Madonna & Child by Vitale da Bologna