"Im Gatfool (grateful) a Mom"
Sophies book of gratitude from when she was 6 years old.
This morning I waved goodbye to my eldest girl, as she set off back to college & adventure in California.
I thought that I would have been over the teary goodbye stage, its not like its the first time she's "left" home, after all she spent 6 months doing a student exchange program in Argentina during her final year of high school, then of course there was her two trips to hawaii, and of course seeing her off last August for her first year in college, (but that was different than this time, because I drove there with her, then I got on a plane and said goodbye to her.)
Yesterday as she excitedly packed up her new dorm bedding, lamp, folding chair... she came into the kitchen and handed me these:
The stack of diaries
When she said, "I want you to have these Mom," I felt a tremor down deep inside my chest.
To have love and trust from my 19 year old daughter, where she hands me her deepest feelings to share, written on paper beginning from when she was 6 years old, left me speechless,, I picked them up and carefully squirreled them away in a cupboard to look at when I knew that I would be alone...
At breakfast I fussed and offered to go with her on the long drive down, but she said no, she'd be alright, and I understood, she was telling me she was ready to do her first road trip on her own... and she'd be ok..
I was ok up until that point, but then that place deep down, where I'd felt the tremor the night before gave a huge shudder and my tender heart couldn't hide anymore, and a sob that just couldn't be stifled lurched from my throat. She was next to me in a second, stood at the kitchen sink, holding on to me like she'd never let go..., and I held her...
Letting go is a challenge, that I will probably have to spend the rest of my days working on, but on the other side of all these BIG feelings, is that I know I'm alive, I know that I am loved, and that bringing my children into the world was and always will be the best thing I've ever done.
Neinah and her Girls...
p.s I apologize to all the "Pink Saturday" folks http://howsweetthesound.typepad.com/my_weblog/
I think by next Pink Saturday I will be feeling more chipper and post something VERY pink, Love, Neinah